Chapter 2: Living in the Feline Orbit

This is Chapter 2 from the book. The full notes are there if you want them.

The Realization That One Does Not "Own" A Cat

I am sitting here with a lukewarm coffee and thinking about how I ended up in this specific predicament. It started with a small cardboard box and a very loud squeak, and a complete misunderstanding of how power dynamics work in a domestic setting. I thought I was making a conscious choice to bring a companion into my home, but I see now I was merely being processed by a very tiny and very furry HR department. Most people think they adopt a cat to have a pet or a companion or a mouse-catcher, but the reality is much more like a high-stakes corporate takeover where you are the company being bought out for parts.

Barnaby arrived with the confidence of a seasoned CEO and the appetite of a wood chipper, and the general social grace of a damp sock. He walked into the living room, sniffed the air, and decided that the expensive wool rug belonged to him now. Hard to tell. I stood there holding a bag of premium kibble and a sense of misplaced authority while he just stared at my shins with a look that suggested I was already slightly behind on my paperwork. It is a very strange thing to realize that your primary function in life has shifted overnight from "independent adult" to "essential can-opening infrastructure".

I had read the books about feline behavior, and I had watched the documentaries, and I had even bought a very sturdy scratching post that looked like a modern art installation. None of those things prepared me for the internship period. This is the stage where the cat spends several weeks evaluating your reaction times and your willingness to share your toast and your overall threshold for being woken up by a wet nose at three in the morning. It is a quiet and methodical, and deeply humbling process. I remember trying to set boundaries about the kitchen counter only to find him sitting next to the toaster five minutes later with an expression of profound boredom. He wasn't even looking for crumbs; he was just demonstrating that my rules were merely suggestions written in a language he had no intention of learning.

The internship never really ends because the cat is always finding new ways to test your performance. Last week, I was thirty seconds late with the evening meal, and the look of betrayal was so thick I felt I should perhaps offer a written apology or a promotion or a very expensive tuna steak. We like to think we are the masters of our domain, but we are really just the junior associates in a firm where the senior partner spends twenty hours a day napping in a sunbeam. It is a lovely sort of trap. I find myself apologizing to him when I accidentally sit on my own sofa, and I suspect that is exactly how he planned it from the moment he stepped out of that box.

Art of Furniture Colonization

I have been thinking a lot lately about the physics of feline displacement and how a creature the size of a loaf of bread can effectively annex an entire king-sized mattress. It is a mystery of the natural world and a defiance of geometry, and a very rude awakening for my lower back. Barnaby has this way of stretching out that seems to involve adding extra limbs or perhaps just expanding his molecular density until there is no room left for a human adult with bills to pay. I usually start the night with a reasonable amount of territory, but by two in the morning, I am clinging to the very edge of the bed like a survivor on a lifeboat.

The colonisation process is subtle and methodical and entirely relentless. He begins at the foot of the bed and slowly migrates toward the center until he has established a strategic base of operations right where my legs are supposed to go. Hard to tell how he does it without me noticing. I find myself waking up in a shape that suggests I am auditioning for a role as a human pretzel or perhaps a very distressed letter S. There is a specific kind of guilt that comes with trying to reclaim your own sleeping space from a sleeping cat. You look at the soft rise and fall of their fur and the twitching whiskers and the tiny paws, and you realize that your comfort is a very small price to pay for their absolute peace.

It isn't just the bed, though. The living room is also a battlefield of soft furnishings and stolen spots. I bought a very expensive leather armchair that I thought would be my sanctuary for reading and drinking tea, and ignoring the world. Barnaby, however, decided it was his new lookout post and his scratching playground and his preferred place for afternoon naps. I now sit on a small wooden stool in the corner while he sprawls across the leather like a tiny furry king. It is a very strange feeling to be a guest in your own home, but I suppose it keeps me humble and keeps me limber and keeps me focused on the floor.

There is no point in arguing with a cat about furniture because they have a much higher endurance for staring contests. I tried to move him once, and he just went limp and heavy and strangely liquid like I was trying to pick up a sack of very sleepy pudding. He didn't even wake up. He just let out a tiny sigh that sounded suspiciously like a critique of my lifting technique. I gave up and went back to my stool. I think he knows exactly what he is doing, and I think he finds my struggle quite entertaining in a distant sort of way. Hard to tell.

Pre-Dawn Negotiations and the Empty Bowl

I have come to the conclusion that 4:00 in the morning is not a time meant for sleeping or resting or dreaming if you happen to share a zip code with a hungry cat. Barnaby has a very specific internal clock that is synchronized with the exact moment my REM cycle is at its peak. He starts with a sound that is part flute and part rusty hinge, and part impending doom. It is a soft and polite, and persistent trill that slowly escalates until I feel like I am being summoned by a very small and very furry tax auditor. If I try to ignore him, he resorts to the physical approach, which usually involves a wet nose pressed against my eyelid or a single claw gently snagging my pajama top. It is a very effective and very annoying, and very successful strategy.

The walk to the kitchen is a treacherous journey through a dark hallway littered with invisible obstacles and silent judgment. I stumble along while Barnaby weaves between my ankles like a furry slalom skier who is trying to win a gold medal in tripping his own benefactor. He acts as if he is the lead scout on a dangerous expedition into a canned-good wilderness. When we finally reach the destination, I see him waiting by the bowl with an expression of profound suffering. To the untrained eye, the bowl looks mostly full, but to Barnaby, it is a desolate wasteland because he can see a tiny patch of ceramic at the very bottom. This is the kibble hole, and it is a source of great anxiety and deep sorrow, and total feline panic. He looks up at me with those wide eyes as if I am a cruel warden who has personally orchestrated a global famine just to see him wither away into a pile of fluffy bones. Hard to tell.

I find myself fumbling with the heavy bag of food while my brain is still mostly offline and my coffee is still just a distant dream. I pour a few more pieces into the dish, and the crisis is instantly averted, and the universe is balanced, and my presence is no longer required. He takes exactly one bite and then walks away to stare at a moth for twenty minutes while I stand there in the dark, wondering where my life went wrong. It is a masterclass in psychological manipulation and a testament to his ego, and a very long way to go for a breakfast that he clearly didn't even want that much. I suspect he just likes to see me walk into walls in the dark. It keeps the hierarchy clear and the service level high, and the humans properly trained for the next inevitable emergency. By the time I get back to bed, I am wide awake and thinking about the logistics of his bowl while he is already back in a deep sleep on my pillow.

Conversations Without Words

I have spent a significant portion of my adult life trying to decipher the silent vocabulary of a creature that looks like a sentient marshmallow with knives. Barnaby does not use words because he clearly feels that language is a clumsy and inefficient, and altogether too human invention. Instead, he communicates through a series of subtle twitches and heavy stares and the occasional slow blink that feels like a benediction from a furry pope. We are told by the experts that the slow blink is a sign of trust and a message of love, and a way to say they are not a threat. I suspect it is actually a way for him to reset his internal systems after witnessing me try to put on my trousers while holding a piece of toast. It is a moment of shared understanding and a quiet truce and a very polite way of telling me to calm down.

Then there is the stare. It is an unblinking and focused, and deeply unnerving gaze that usually happens when I am trying to read a book or watch the news. He isn't looking at me so much as he is looking through me into the very depths of my soul, or perhaps at a very small spider on the wall behind my head. Hard to tell. There is no malice in it, but there is a great deal of expectation. I find myself checking the clock and checking the bowl and checking my own conscience to see if I have forgotten some vital duty that I didn't even know I had. He has a way of making silence feel like a very loud and very pointed conversation about my failings as a roommate.

The tail is the most honest part of the whole operation. It is a rhythmic and expressive and entirely independent limb that tells the truth even when his face is a mask of innocence. A slow wag means he is contemplating the structural integrity of the curtains, and a fast twitch means he is about to turn my hand into a pincushion. I have learned to read these signs like a sailor reads the clouds or a gambler reads a face or a person reads a very complicated menu in a foreign language. It is a beautiful and wordless, and occasionally painful dialogue that happens every single day in this house. We don't need to talk because we have a system of nods and blinks and the occasional sharp nip to keep the relationship moving forward. It is a quiet life, but it is a very busy one if you are paying attention to the subtitles. 

Interior Design via Claw and Tooth?

I have spent a small fortune over the years on interior design, only to realize that Barnaby has a very different vision for what a living room should look like. To me, a sofa is a place to sit and relax and occasionally spill a bit of tea but to a cat it is a giant and inviting and vertical scratching post. I bought this piece of furniture for its clean lines and its soft fabric and its neutral color, but Barnaby has decided it needs more texture and more fringe and more visible stuffing. He approaches the corner of the armrest with the focus of a master sculptor and the strength of a power tool, and the sheer audacity of a roommate who doesn't pay rent. It is a slow and methodical, and deeply destructive process that turns a five-hundred dollar investment into a very expensive pile of lint. Hard to tell if he is trying to sharpen his tools or just expressing his artistic dissatisfaction with my choice of polyester blend.

I tried to intervene by purchasing a scratching post that looked like a modern art installation made of sisal rope and polished wood, and hope. It sits in the corner of the room like a lonely and ignored and very expensive monument to human naivety. Barnaby walked up to it once and sniffed it and then immediately walked over to the back of the mahogany chair to begin a fresh excavation. He prefers the resistance of the wood and the sound of the fabric tearing and the look of my face when I realize what he is doing. There is no point in getting angry because he just looks at me with an expression of pure and unadulterated and quiet confusion. He seems to be wondering why I am so attached to the structural integrity of a chair when there are so many interesting threads to pull.

The ultimate irony of feline interior design is the humble cardboard box. I could spend my entire life savings on velvet cushions and designer cat beds and heated mats, but he will always choose the brown and battered and discarded box that the groceries came in. He sits inside it with a look of absolute serenity and total triumph. To a cat, a box is a fortress and a bedroom and a private sanctuary from the world. He doesn't care about the decor or the color palette, or the resale value of the house. He only cares about the tactile joy of shredding a corner and the comfort of a tight space, and the smell of old paper. My home is now a collection of shredded corners and scattered boxes, and very tiny pieces of foam. It isn't exactly the look I was going for when I moved in, but I suppose it has a certain rustic and chaotic, and lived-in charm. I have learned to stop worrying about the furniture and start appreciating the effort he puts into his work. After all, a sofa is just a thing, but a happy cat is a masterpiece of a different kind. Hard to tell.

The Ghost in the Hallway at Midnight

I have often wondered what exactly happens in the feline brain at approximately midnight to turn a sedentary lump of fur into a furry and frantic, and slightly terrifying cannonball. It starts with a look. Barnaby will be sitting on the rug quite peacefully when suddenly his pupils expand until his eyes are just two black voids of pure and unadulterated and caffeinated chaos. He isn't looking at me anymore. He is looking at something just behind my left shoulder, or perhaps a rift in the space-time continuum, or a very small and very invisible ghost that has insulted his mother.

Then the launch happens. He doesn't just run, he explodes. He hits the hallway with the sound of a thousand tiny drums and a frantic energy and a total disregard for the laws of friction. He bounces off the walls and skids across the hardwood and turns the living room into a high-speed racetrack for a race only he is running. It is a very loud and very sudden, and very confusing experience for anyone trying to sleep or read, or maintain a sense of sanity. I call it the midnight zoomies, but I suspect it is actually a ritual to keep the house from drifting off into space.

Sometimes he stops mid-sprint to stare at a blank corner with an intensity that makes me want to call a priest or an exorcist or at least a very good therapist. He looks like he is listening to a frequency that only beings with whiskers can hear. It is a strange and eerie, and deeply unsettling performance. Hard to tell. I find myself checking the shadows for whatever it is he thinks he sees, but of course, there is nothing there but dust and old socks and my own mounting anxiety. He is convinced, though. He will hiss at a shadow and then do a sideways hop that suggests he is being chased by a very small and very angry invisible badger.

The most remarkable part is how quickly it ends. One moment, he is a blur of grey motion, and the next, he is sitting on the kitchen counter washing his ear with the dignity of a Victorian gentleman. The madness has passed, and the ghosts have fled, and the universe is once again safe for napping. He looks at me as if I am the strange one for being startled by his five-minute nervous breakdown. It is a very effective way to remind me that I share my home with a predator who is only pretending to be a pillow. Hard to tell if he is actually seeing spirits or if he just has too much energy and a very weird sense of humor. Either way, I usually need another coffee after the show is over just to settle my nerves.

The Futility of the Laser Pointer?

I sometimes feel like a bit of a low-rent wizard when I pick up the small plastic tube that houses the little red light. It is a very cheap and very effective, and very deceptive way to spend an evening. Barnaby knows the sound of the keychain rattle from three rooms away, and he arrives with a look of intense and focused, and slightly manic anticipation. He knows the dot is a lie and a ghost and a shimmering red promise that can never be fulfilled, but he chooses to believe in it anyway. It is a beautiful kind of madness to watch a creature of such predatory grace chase a photon across a dusty rug and up the side of a bookshelf. Hard to tell.

I sit there on the sofa and flick my wrist like a bored deity while he scrambles over the ottoman and slides into the radiator with a dull thud. There is no tactile reward and no victory snack, and no tangible proof of the hunt. I often wonder if I am damaging his tiny feline psyche by providing a prey that has no physical form and no scent, and no ending. He pounces with the precision of a jungle cat, only to find his paws empty and his pride wounded and his human laughing. It feels a bit mean-spirited when I think about it too much, but then he looks at the wall with such hope that I cannot help but click the button again.

The game always ends the same way with the red dot disappearing into a crack in the floorboards or vanishing behind a closed door. Barnaby will spend the next ten minutes staring at the spot where it was last seen with a look of profound and quiet, and existential confusion. He checks under the rug and behind the lamp and even looks up at the ceiling as if the red dot might be hiding in the light fixtures. I feel a pang of guilt for the deception and the trickery and the overall futility of the exercise. I usually try to make up for it by throwing a real toy or a bit of kibble or offering a very sincere apology for my role as a fraudulent hunter.

Hard to tell if he actually enjoys the chase or if he is just humoring my need to feel powerful in a world where I cannot even decide what to have for dinner. We both know the dot is an illusion, but we continue the play because it is a shared ritual and a frantic dance and a very strange way to bond. He is a hunter without a catch, and I am a leader without a plan and together we are just two confused mammals in a dark room with a five-dollar laser. It is a masterclass in the absurdity of modern life, and I suspect he is much more aware of the joke than I am.

A Masterclass in Horizontal Living?

I have been watching Barnaby today, and I have come to the conclusion that he is significantly more evolved than I am when it comes to the basic art of existing. While I spend my time worrying about deadlines and groceries and the strange noise the boiler is making, he is currently busy doing absolutely nothing at all. It is a dedicated and professional, and highly skilled approach to horizontal living. He doesn't just lie down, he commits to the surface with the intensity of a man who has discovered the secret to eternal peace in a patch of sunlight on a dusty rug. Hard to tell.

Humans have this peculiar and exhausting and ultimately doomed need to be productive every waking second of the day. We feel guilty if we aren't answering emails or scrubbing the skirting boards or reading a book that makes us feel slightly smarter than we actually are. Barnaby has no such baggage. He can spend four hours in a state of total collapse on the back of the sofa, and his only concern is whether the sun is going to move behind the chimney stack. He is a master of the nap. He treats sleep not as a necessity or a break but as a career path and a spiritual calling, and a very important hobby.

I watched him earlier as he found a square of light on the floorboards that was roughly the size of a postage stamp. He managed to pour his entire body into that space and fold his paws and close his eyes with a look of such absolute bliss that I felt a bit embarrassed for my own frantic life. It is a very humbling thing to realize that your cat has reached a level of enlightenment that you will never achieve, no matter how many yoga classes you attend or how much herbal tea you drink. He exists in the present moment because the present moment is warm and quiet and very comfortable.

There is no ego in his rest and no shame in his laziness, and no thought for tomorrow. He just is. I tried to join him on the floor once just to see if I could catch the vibe, but I just ended up with a sore neck and a face full of dust, and a very confused cat staring at me like I had finally lost my mind. Barnaby doesn't need to do things to feel worthy of the space he occupies. He just assumes the world was built to be his bed, and honestly, looking at his smug little face, I think he might be right. Hard to tell if he is actually sleeping or just vibrating at a frequency of pure satisfaction while I stand here with my lukewarm coffee and my long list of things to do.

The Quiet Gravity of the Evening Purr

The day usually ends with a sort of weary truce that involves me trying to find a corner of the sofa that isn't covered in grey fluff or toy mice or the remnants of a cardboard box. Barnaby has a way of knowing when I am finally at my limit, and my patience is thin, and my coffee is long gone. He waits until I have my book and my tea and my general sense of exhaustion before he decides to perform his final act of the day. He hops up with a heavy thud and walks across my chest with the grace of a tiny mountain goat and settles right under my chin. Then the engine starts. It is a low and rhythmic, and deeply soothing vibration that seems to bypass the ears and go straight into the skeletal structure of the house. I call it the evening purr, but it feels more like a geological event or a spiritual ceremony or a very small lawnmower.

Scientists say that a cat's purr has healing properties and can lower blood pressure and heal bones but I suspect it is actually a form of deep-level hypnosis designed to make me forget he tried to eat my phone charger earlier. Hard to tell. I find that all my grievances about the shredded curtains and the 4:00 AM breakfast and the stolen armchair just sort of evaporate into the air. It is very hard to stay annoyed at a creature that is currently vibrating with the intensity of a contented radiator. He looks at me with those half-closed eyes and lets out a long and happy, and very dusty sigh. In that moment, I am no longer the junior associate or the can-opener or the furniture protector. I am just a heated pillow and a source of comfort, and a part of the pride.

The purr has a gravity to it that makes the rest of the world feel very far away and very unimportant and very loud. I find myself forgetting about the emails I haven't answered and the bills I need to pay, and the strange noise in the radiator. There is only the hum and the heat and the weight of a sleeping tabby. It is a quiet sort of magic that justifies all the chaos and the madness and the occasional bite. I suppose this is the secret contract we sign when we let them into our lives. We provide the food and the shelter and the expensive leather chairs, and in return, they provide a sense of absolute and unearned, and total peace.

Hard to tell if he is actually grateful or if he is just using me to warm his belly while he waits for tomorrow's zoomies.

Either way, I think I will stay here for a while longer and just listen to the engine run. It is a good way to end the day and a good way to live, and a very good reason to buy more tuna.